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Well, it's finally happened.  I've taken it upon myself to create a page.  I have no idea whatsoever what this page will be about, but I originally had a very intense forum-derived web site under construction.  Unfortunately, AOL's server cannot support my site and neither can most of the "free" web servers.   Until I buy myself some space on the WWW, I am gonna stick to the single pointless page you are reading now.  Take a peek around.  This is nothing yet, so don't be too critical.  If you care to share your thoughts about my page (or just want to say "hello"), please send an email (titled 'web page') to me by clicking on the special button.  (If you do not see it then you probably do not have Java capabilities.  If so then just use the email link on the second (poetry) page.)

Now this is all I have so far, I'll be updating soon, or not, who knows.  But all that's been done so far is the establishment of the existence of my web page.  Thank you for your time.

What's a page without some humor?  Here's a little bit to hopefully make you smile.

Last time our topic is stupid male/female jokes.  Now we spawn off that and just go with the flow...

I)    5 OF THE TOUGHEST QUESTIONS WOMEN ASK

The five toughest questions are:

"What are you thinking?"
"Do you love me?"
"Do I look fat?"
"Do you think she is prettier than me?"
"What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."

Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear".

Wrong answers include:

a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."    

II)   TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULD NOT SAY OUT LOUD IN VICTORIA'S SECRET

#10 Does this come in children's sizes?

#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.

#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

#7 Mom will love this.

#6 Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?

#5 No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.

#4 Will you model this for me???

#3 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!

#2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!

and the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's secret:

#1 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!

III) GENDER BASED LITERATURE

This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:

In-class Assignment for Wednesday

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

By Rebecca <last name deleted> and Gary <last name deleted>

English 44A SMU

Creative Writing

Prof. Miller

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychologically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

You total #!$*&.

Stupid %&#$!.

IV)    A man is dating three women and wants to get married.
         He hasn't decided which one to ask.
         He gives each of them$1000.
         The first one spends $800 on clothes and puts $200 in the bank.
         The second one spends $200 on clothes and puts $800 in the bank.
         The third one puts the whole $1000 in the bank.
         Which one does he marry?
                                                                                 The one with the big breasts.
V)    Little Johnny received his assignment in Sex Education class. He was to go home and ask his Dad what a penis was.  When Johnny's Dad arrived home from work Johnny said, "Dad, my assignment for Sex Education is to ask you what a penis is."  Johnny's Dad beamed with pride and said, "Son, come into the bathroom here and I'll show you."  Johnny's Dad unzipped his pants and brought his penis into view saying, "Son, that's a penis. As a matter of fact, it's a perfect penis."  Johnny thanked his Dad and went on to finish the rest of his homework.  The next morning on his way to school, he saw his friend and classmate, Jimmy waving to him and calling out for him to wait up. Jimmy explained after catching up to Johnny that he couldn't complete his Sex Education assignment the night before, since his Dad was out of town on business and if Johnny had any better luck.   Johnny said, "No problem, step over here by this tree and I show you."   Johnny pulled out his penis for Jimmy to view saying, "Jimmy, this is a penis. And if it was just two inches shorter it would be a perfect penis."

VI)    After many months of trying to make ends meet, one california couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking. Early the next morning the wifey comes home looking very haggard and worn out. The husband guiltily asks how she did and the wife replies that she earned four hundred dollars and ten cents.
"That's great!" the husband replies.
"But who gave you the ten cents?" asks the husband.
"Everybody!" replied the wife.

BRAND SPANKIN' NEW ADDITION TO MY PAGE!! Now yours truly brings you various trivia; hell yeah huh?  Okay, so maybe it's not such a big deal, but you can pretend can't ya?  Well, currently our trivia topic is MOVIES. You always will get 10 random questions, so even if you've already done the current trivia, you can always go back for new questions.   Be sure to check back for more trivia and alternating topics.

...psst!  Hey, how's it goin there?  50 bucks sound good to you babe? Not enough?  Aw, c'mon sweets, you know a guy like me can't afford too much.  What did you say?  You don't do that sort of thing, huh?  Ok, fine here's another 50 bucks.  Better?   Thought so.  Now we'll see if you're worth it...

...anyways, sorry to tell all of you salivating hormonal peeps, this isn't going to be that sort of a situation.  Instead I have now implemented a poet's corner, so feel free to cruise on over there via the gateway to your right

oh my god, it's 80!

Now, I bring to you MegaPimp's Cool Card Service.   Send free digital postcards to your friends, family, or anybody else.  You can use optional pictures and sounds with your special messages, and you can even upload your own if you wish.  Be sure to check this out!

Here's a little section for all of you who have RealAudio capabilities.   Just click to listen (and for those of you who don't, you can get RealPlayer4.0 from the website)

Landslide                               Zero

note:  these links may or may not be currently working, because i am in the reconstructing my RealAudio section;  once complete, i will have much more than only two songs up at a time (though they may take slightly longer to access since they will be at a remote location instead of AOL's server);  until then, be patient;  thank ye

Well, that's the end my friends.  If you don't like this page or don't like the fact that it really has no purpose, well then TOO BAD!  You'll live!  And if I get any hate mail about this page, I'll send in my crew.

heh heh heh...

(j/k about the hate mail)

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JOIN UP NOW!

(be sure to tell 'em who recruited ya!)